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About Varied / Hobbyist Trevor Blackwell20/Male/United States Group :iconpost-deviant: Post-Deviant
Where Art Comes to Die
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Deviant for 6 Years
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Literature
Daze
Watch me gaze into the clouds
Cus what's around don't hold no weight
I'm gravitating off the ground
Past all the feelings I can't shake
Observing moments that surround and choke the breathe into a snake
That Ouroboros cycle frowns but what's a serpent but a drake before the moment's wake?
We catch them sleeping, but whose to say?
When awake you might be even more passive than those who've lived out their final days
Man all these chains that dangle off my legs like that first Christmas ghost
Disgruntled host of all these memories that influence these melodies most
They sold their soul to be diamonds then end up
Cubic zirconia
Have you ever stopped to consider or figure out who is owing ya?
Owning your every move, I'm honing skills to be impressive
Like I can show off every hobby in that 30 second first-impression
Well fuck it, I'm Post-Impressionist
Pointillist is the point of digressions
Viewer's discretions - my brain resembles a C-section
During presidential election, in edifices tha
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Literature
Homeostasis
I harbor the technique, bastard syllable-spinnin selective easy-to-come-by, not
Secreting pussy juices, never
The less is not a part of me so pardon me not bothering to stunt on your worthless bullshit
With finesse
This is not a test or practice
Just spit in the face of your wackness
Maggots leech off the death of their idols, daily
Nobody wants to confront or attack this
Just attach more shit to the blacklist
Well I'm tired of taking steps in retroactives
Ain't he fresh?
Nobody gives a fuck if the beat ain't madness
You don't even remember the producers' name
Those stars don't shine for shit
I don't got time for bars wasted
I'm pacing patiently for the masses to recognize their repetitive places
Artists drawing in circles, tv on different flavors of the same
Cultural stagnation,
Covering the same basic cubic zirconia formation
In other words, the ballpark wasn't changed, it's the advertisements' pockets
Invent a disease then sell the cure, snake oil marketers to cater to a changing de
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Literature
Bedroom Floor
(Head, phantoms, inexplicable, lust
and
Manic, reruns, tendencies, trust
Misled, notebooks, blood, wine
God, stars, time) x2
[From my] head full of phantoms, inexplicable amounts of lust
Manic episodes to reruns of suicidal tendencies, I trust little to none
Misled by all the pages in my notebooks where I spilled my blood and wine
Searching for God by looking towards the stars and counting time] x2
It goes
1 For the intrusive thoughts
2 For paranoia
3 For scathing self-loathing
4 for self-destructive coping
5 for the love
and 6 for losing health
7 days a week, at times, I'd sooner kill myself
than deal with a
[Head full of phantoms, inexplicable amounts of lust
Manic episodes to reruns of suicidal tendencies, I trust little to none
Misled by all the pages in my notebooks where I spilled my blood and wine
Searching for God by looking towards the stars and counting time] x2
I've hating various people of which I have never had much of an opinion
Over the way they've flirted with my girl,
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Literature
8 Arm/Ocean Punk
Submerged in the lurching of the murky depths, I found
Summers with the urchins were worsening yet, so I
Lumbered towards the surface of trade-voice intent, where I met
Dumber and dumber still, face pills, the bends
All bets were off, I'll catch your cough, wet - Nose
Upturned to the spurning and burning of skunk cess
Turning back to water, no metamorphosis
The vermin won't learn so waves drown my head, it's
Normal by now;
My 8 arms outstretched,
It's lift, fuck and drink it down, coffee, check
The days taste like toffee, brittle but sweet
Live in the deep
Minimalism like a criminal creep, it's
Ornery with a bow
No glass aquarium with questionable architecture
Abyssal lectures to those skimming by the bubbles
Catching rafters in their gills and then wondering why the sharks smell the blood as if its subtle
It's settled; I belong down here - doesn't make sense to go to heaven with the goody-goodies
But that's another topic entirely
Another metaphor
Another form of floor
Another form of
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Literature
Lady Death/Queen of Hearts
(I tried~)
To never think about you, to be the one you'd never even want to
Touch
But I can I feel it in my ashes where the dust meets rust
And rush meets lust
Disaster flux a lux capacity to self-destruct
When the moment calls for peace
I've been piecing together my fragments for far too many weeks
And if you think this is a love song, for once
It's not
You've been delivering me rot
Between peaks
(And yours seasons affect my disorders
Your reasons project out my lack of self control and order
You've been crossing into one too many borders
I've been subsumed in your shadow for far too many years
Lady Death
I'm not afraid of you, although I still will owe you all of my respect
I've got too much to die
I've done too much to lie down
I'm in love now, and it isn't with you anymore
Lady Death I suggest you find someone new to be obsessed with you
Although we can still be friends)
I tried~
To smoothen the roads so the world can much more comfortably turn
Now I wish it would all just burn
And
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Literature
Wisdom Tooth
I see your smoke signals
Got no halo
I'll lay low
Underneath the skin, burning alive
So volcano
Eruptions from a dormant state to cause a mass panic
I went from to manic to necroromantic, the man sits
Idly to my left below the Gods who wanted left alone
I'm superpositioned between them both, suspended for suspense
Maybe to atone
For all the sins I haven't committed yet
Her pillow yet remains dry, it's no surprise, if I can get
That cosmic knowledge - finneagle the most perfect route
To keep the pain of conscience low like it's a growing wisdom tooth
Give a fuck, I'm up all night, I give a hoot, I'm over heads
These cliffs are slippery, I'm drowning, wet, explains the smokey regrets
And self concept - objective truths sold as commodities
Body counts to counting bodies, aren't we all just oddities?
(It's odd to be, it's even weirder to not think about it
Different positions in time and space - just live about it
Seeing points as waves like arguments of who's in power
It's all the same, d
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Literature
Polyharmonic
Lately, I've been becoming antisocial
Holding onto grudges 'cus intrusive thoughts are vocal
Hard to forget, easily remembering
Locations of the buried hatches
Tossed before my embering
September stings, I already smell the corpses
Rotting in the daylight, dancing in cent-rifugal forces
I'm made of ash, flashbacks to the mellow yellow
Heysel pick,
Days roll by like stones and sticks
Blunt raps; we're the not doing the same shit
It's hard to flex your God complexes as an atheist
Luckily I'm agnostic, no prophets for me like no profit,
I'm so lethargic, laconic, iconic
When it suits -
I don't believe in self (sometimes)
That's the the philosophy, I've garnered and garnished
'Till garnet and pearl strings sing poly, polyphonic
I can be easily reduced, diffused, refused, polyharmonic
---
It isn't fair to take in only what is given
When I know, despite my relative depths, all theirs is hidden
They find me shallow, too, lifeless as the heads among the crowd
Like we're not surfing through the
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Literature
Longevity
Lost themselves
In the bottom of the drank
Like when you you find yourself
In the rain
No, the trips to the banks,
No the flanking
Another odd year, it ain't worth the remembering
Thanks
Cancerous daywalkers staring me down
With the moonlight eclipsing my pleasant expression
These peasant impressions that blur my real color, Sargent-Singer
I shouldn't been a sergeant,
Like my father
No I should've been a singer,
Like my mother
Or an artist
Like my aunt
Or a drummer like my uncle,
It's too late to Roll The Bones now
It's too late to wonder who I am now,
(Who says?
Say me?)
I've been a vivid exister,
Been a better bitter man than a pitter patter across yours,
In other words a blister, a twister in limp notes
Falling so flat across your kissers
Everything I made from the heart,
Therefore it's all gold until it's platinum sold, but the thing that really rips me apart
Is the see not hear not,
Jealousies, rivalries, apathies, anx, it's all rot
It's all Gods in favor against
It's a mystery ro
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Literature
Fatigue
I'm about to finally continue Dante's Inferno
But I also really need to remember that Infierno movie,
Similar concept, I bet
Bet it's better in the pages
Where it's better in my head
But I bet
That before I can watch the movie
I'll remember 15 other artists and genres that could soothe me
Liven me up, break the monotony, embrace it
Sooner or later I'll give in and wake up a week later from the stasis
These backlogs are toxic
So are these songs
I've had the same problems,
Small cast
Nothing's going well
But nothing's going wrong
Man, really nothing's going on
It's hard to tell if I'm doing well when in comparison to y'all
I may be far from independent as of material
But I know and love myself, and can prevent contracting venereal diseases
I haven't even gotten my girl pregnant, that's great
I'm doing better than most of my family in this first place
I'm not addicted to shit
Okay I'm lying, but writing is the least offensive hobby there is
Probably
When I'm trying to relax I feel like I'
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Literature
Glass
Everything's made of glass, construction - destruction
Everything's see-through when you're a slave to deconstruction
Purposeful, decorative, ornate or avant-garde
Nothing is made to last, eruptions cause halts in the production
We find value
We find price tags, we build buildings that hound you
And bridges and graveyards and windows especially
Walls made of glass hold, incredibly
Everyone's made of glass, traumatized and fragile
Everyone's see through when you've shared their pains
No one has purpose, we're decorative, dolls, fragments
No one is made to last, fame can only ascertain we're known as more than droplets of a flesh-distended rain
We bear cross tags in price tags and slave away
Just to remain in the same place we hate, definitely
We're glass as our surroundings, incredibly
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Literature
Thank You
Melancholy midnight thoughts
Terrible trembling, too much caffeine
Memorable motions, towards you
Tremors in my temperance, tempests, hailstorms
Everybody's going to die
Now that I'm in love, it's no longer a comfort
I don't want to die alone
But you dying near me or vice versa, that's even worse
[And yet before
Death
Was all I had
And here I am
More lively in this coma than I've been in years
And I have someone to thank dearly]
Mourning all my insecurities
Sorry for apologizing, herding all my thoughts to be
Soft and gentle as the breeze
With this gnashing of my teeth to provide the freudian slip
No I haven't thought about drinking
Though vanishing is slightly less extreme if I can take you
No I haven't thought about leaving
Though vanishing into you is the best case scenario
[And yet before
Love
Was all I wanted
Funny how the times rearrange
And I have someone to thank dearly]
Now that I can see a bit clearly,
Through the fog of love-and-war and across all the corpses
I really need t
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Literature
Kin and Friends
I've, taken breathes in the clouds
Legs dangling down
Just to see who would
Let me fall
Let me fall
Let me fall
I've, played chess with destiny
Dregs spangling frowns
Just to see who would
Lament all
Lament all
Lament all,
Let me fall
Lament all,
Lament
-
[No I'm not nervous
I am a person
No I'm not nervous
I am diversion
No I'm not holy
But I'm not too sinful sinful
No I'm not early
I am the end of times]
Dressing, rarely stretching, for the walks
If you call
You'd damn well know I
Won't answer
Won't answer
I won't
Blessings to best of kin and friends
Ghosts in my haunts
You'd damn well know they're
Dancers, dancers
Dancers
Cancers, dancers,
Banter
I'm not a person
Yes I am nervous
I'm no diversion,
Yes I am nervous
Systems confounding
I am unbalanced
I am not, the end
For I'm only beginning
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Literature
Polyphasia
Honey, my angel
You left me on Earth, now it
Seems that my burdens have
Outgrew my Atlas
I can't keep track, of all these
Vines, wires, and veins, oh it
Seems that my curtains have
Thickening make-up
---
Honey, my angel
Why aren't we starbound?
These
People aren't humane
They tease out my demons, yet
I'd do anything, to
Keep my head clean, clear and
Full of you, honest
It's so polyphonic
---
Honey, dearest,
Angel
Why do the stars fall
Before I can meet them?
Before I can meet me,
I'd be anyone
Who could keep you safe, oh I'm
Wondering & wandering
Polyphasia
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Literature
Humans
(I fear what humans do, I fear what humans think
I feel what humans feel, I fear what feelings can do
I fear what humans have done, I fear what humans will cause
I feel so human; so absolutely human, my God) x2
We're picked apart in the day, left for the mulch
Silver sepulchure, cultures clashing and embering in the fields
Poppies are plentiful, we ingest every vice to verse the
The hollowing effects of losing drive due to the vultures
I see them everywhere; your pay stubs to brick walls
Your houses, your allowances, your chains decaying, tricks, stalls
All these calls into the forest are so soothing, so enticing
It's almost nice
But death seems so inviting, rings a bell if you're living hell or living in it
Limited and grinning through the grimace, seconds, minutes, hours days, weeks, months, years
Got lots of hearts and bonds to break, if you've got any left, toast
Cheer to the happy, you scare me disappointed
Wish I wasn't on a pedestal,
But I wish I was invited, not I don't
I been
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Literature
Pontiff Sulyvan
Gavels on their galvinization, paylow
I'm in the undertow; tune of a traveling tone through cosmos
And astros, boy I'm the man of the warping year
With spiral edifice construction, flying buttresses and narmy weary
Bucolic cheers; I'm from a dead dimension, ashen flowers
These towns got plenty of blood left to spill into those early morning hours
And if you got much left to say by the time the moon's asleep
I here it's cheap to drink away a couple weeks
This dusk and twilight zoning game
Of humble peaks and the most Laveyan twin-headed valleys
It's an estuary, surely
Shit creek crossing the styxx which make a man hurl these
Remains of an existence pre-slavery era like Zeus lightning bolts
Colt to the head, I'd rather be trampled by horses
Than divulge the great deluge brewing and stewing for forces
Unforeseen but anxiety provoked a new decadence for masochistic torture
It goes - think of sending your loveliest thoughts right into the mouth with trident fork in it...
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Mature content
God :icondrannonymous:DrAnnonymous 0 0

Favourites

Ana Overwatch by Picolo-kun Ana Overwatch :iconpicolo-kun:Picolo-kun 7,133 131 Morrigan by BunnyAyumi Morrigan :iconbunnyayumi:BunnyAyumi 145 20 Dead space by BunnyAyumi Dead space :iconbunnyayumi:BunnyAyumi 89 7 STARS by BunnyAyumi STARS :iconbunnyayumi:BunnyAyumi 190 23 Twintails and Games by BunnyAyumi Twintails and Games :iconbunnyayumi:BunnyAyumi 438 27 Jill Sandwich by BunnyAyumi Jill Sandwich :iconbunnyayumi:BunnyAyumi 762 69
Literature
365 Things I Love About You
365 Things I Love About You
1. I love how you always make me smile
2. I love how you always make me laugh
3. I love the way you inspire me.
4. I love how cute and adorable you can be
5. I love the kindness that you show
6. I love how I can always be there for you
7. I love how you can always there for me.
8. I love how you stand up for the things you believe in
9. I love how open-minded you are
10. I love your gentleness with me
12. I love how you take my breath away.
13. I love thinking about you
14. I love how sweet you make my dreams
15. I love hearing your laughter
16. I love it when you smile
17. I love you still when your angry
18. I love you still when your sad
19. I love you still when you're a mess (though you'll always be beautiful to me)
20. I love the way you feel
21. I love the way you hold my hand
22. I love the way you smell
23. I love gazing into your eyes
24. I love the sound of your sweet voice
25. I love how much you've taught me about life and myself
26. I lo
:iconHazel-Almonds:Hazel-Almonds
:iconhazel-almonds:Hazel-Almonds 2,128 193
Modeling by AngelaBermudez Modeling :iconangelabermudez:AngelaBermudez 3,117 79 Officer D.va by Liang-Xing Officer D.va :iconliang-xing:Liang-Xing 6,835 118 Combat Medic Ziegler by CGlas Combat Medic Ziegler :iconcglas:CGlas 1,999 31 Crimson by cutgut Crimson :iconcutgut:cutgut 1,866 0 Cruiser D.Va by raikoart Cruiser D.Va :iconraikoart:raikoart 4,199 72 Mother by wlop Mother :iconwlop:wlop 7,637 129 Mercy by Liang-Xing Mercy :iconliang-xing:Liang-Xing 4,533 52 The Witcher 3| Triss Merigold cosplay by Dzikan The Witcher 3| Triss Merigold cosplay :icondzikan:Dzikan 6,988 316 Sombra Cute Boop Wallpaper (Original by Ling.) by Asainguy444 Sombra Cute Boop Wallpaper (Original by Ling.) :iconasainguy444:Asainguy444 76 2

Groups

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Friends

It's been storming out a lot.
Moods have matched the changes accordingly.

Why can't I always be like this?
Cleaned, ready to call Wallyworld tomorrow.
I went to a job fair thing, "got" the job, and I've been waiting on the background check and subsequent email or call for over a week now.
I'm losing faith steadily, and soon my phone will be shut off with no hope to pay for it. 
This is 20?
All those spirals about her exes and their various traits, all of it's been made aware that it's a reflection of my own insecurities.
No shit. 
This feeling of running in place is commonplace in my writing, journals and songs, and I have no idea how, truly, to break cycles.
I spend so much time spotting them that I forget to close the loop, so to speak.
I mean hell, my journals lately are completely scatterbrained anyway.
It's incredibly hard to focus my energies on anything without feeling drained and anxious. 

A lot of my friends drive and have jobs now. 
Some one or the other, very few have neither, and are doing quite as much nothing as me.
I have a great relationship and a decent respect for myself in terms of staying sober 99% of the time, but beyond that and actually sleeping for once (Perhaps too much), unless she's suddenly pregnant I'm actually not doing too poorly in any area, either.
I'm just waiting for some chance to work and keeping myself sane in the process, it's harder and more stressful having no schedule than I could ever imagine.
The thoughts, bad, of work are replaced with a corrupting element to my everyday life.
All ruminations and lamentations, it's similar to being strangled in an extremely comfortable lifestyle.
A stasis, a stagnation and rot. 

Today, I cried for the first time in a minute.
This frustration with having no control over my thoughts, plans, emotions, anxieties, fears, actions - and thereby - health, tendencies, reactions and habits is completely taking over my ability to function. 
While I've closely "documented" several reappearing traits, personas and mental states, the best I've been able to do is link certain influences to certain characters and carefully monitor what I'm doing at all times to keep me from straying into chaotic territory. 
Problem with that is that I automatically wonder what would ruin my mood and then it simply collapses, awareness itself breaks my own character. It's very meta, acting in hopes I'll buy into what I'm doing, thinking and feeling.
I feel disconnected to the very flesh hovering crudely to my limbs, distanced from my brain and its doings. 
The world appears to be a black comedy that's lost its lustre, and people have become more fake and plastic than ever.
Dolls. 

I can't stop seeing through every simple statement and going on a barrage of curious wanderings that often lead to answers that ruin the subject, everything from my love's day to a friend's successes. 
I can't find enjoyment in much socialization anymore, it's so draining having to constantly put on a show on the outside while my inner turmoils are bubbling and brewing faster than I can calculate and plan ahead for.
Simply hearing the wrong word or name can spiral me off onto a nightmare of panic.
I reason that learning to dissociate to deal with stress rather than tank it like I used to has left me with very few active options for coping, in a world of workaholics, addicts and the self-harming. 
This is pure existence, aware of every void and memento mori along the way.
This shit sucks.

Her family's getting even closer to me, I got to take her sister to my birthday party.
It was the first time I got most of friends together, and it was comfortable to disorienting all at once. 
Too many minds and voices going on, too many moving parts.
Long story short, my hostilities are too narrow and focused to meet the reality of my frustrations. 
It isn't them, nor is it me. It's humanity at its core that I'm disgusted by, plain and simple.
Every bit of self-loathing is a critique of my inability to change and anger at this society of worker bees.

Her graduation was hard-fought, and I couldn't be more proud.
Now's the time for us to "adult" and grind our asses off to leave.
Hence the pressure to get a job ASAP and work towards driving and the car.
I hope she stays with me long enough to get to this point.
I hope she stays with me in general. I'm pathetic, I know, not even being able to stand certain subjects anymore.

Entire swathes of conversation, being near me is treading extremely thin ice, and my sensitivities are to blame. 
The only alternatives rely on sociopathy and complete disregard for anything of meaning.
It's not a fair choice, though I often opt for feeling nothing or anger than sadness/anxiety.

I don't even feel like mentioning any trades with people, anymore. 
Nothing feels important. 
Leaving paranoia and worries out, nothing important has transpired.
In a nobility-obsessed span of 2 days I rekinkled most of my relationships with my friends, then deconstructed their purposes to me, like it was a game, and found little to gain from any beyond the comfort of a few carefully curated friendships. 
They're like trophies, it's idiotic.

On a more worrying note, I've noticed that my empathies and sympathies are dwindling.
Everything reflects to me hating aspects of myself.
Me. 
Everything seems like it's about me, and I find myself apologizing for everything while elevating everyone around me to Godly positions.
I'm not entirely sure why I do this, I suppose my self-esteem is drastically lower than I expected it to be considering my personality. 

I feel fake.
Since I never have a consistent...anything, really, the whole "shapeshifter' metaphors' really bugging me.
I can't tell which hobbies are forced for the sake of appearances or actually fun for me, anymore, I just know that NOT going through motions melts me alive.

I once more brought up my rapidly deteriorating mental state to my mother, who simply suggested I'm being hard on myself and am doing fine. She reassured me that I have all the time in the world to move out of my grandmother's, and that she's proud of me for going through school, graduating, all that and the third.
My father tries to talk and call, but all he does is congratulate me. 
He doesn't have the same sway and realism of my mother, but neither of them seem much more than being capable of apologizing. My mom wants to drive me to and from work, but even that comes across as her getting rid of her guilt.
Am I that much of a parasite, a burden, on this family?
I hide in the attic due to fears like this, and having her stay the night despite being directly told not to.
I've drank a while ago, here, and I'm sure my friends' various habits aren't welcome.
I feel an insatiable urge to escape this city before I do anything of merit.

2 old musical friends banded together and made a mixtape.
I've been trying to for 6 years, and yet in all my thousands of songs, I haven't released a thing.
My Game, the prequel to an actual story, goes unwritten and mid-progress. 
Books unread, movies unwatched, exercises and infinite songs not learned on my instruments. 
Hell, the keyboard doesn't even work anymore, and I think I forgot how to sing. 
Meditation barely works for me, like it used to, Yoga hasn't been so much as thought of in half a year.

Half a year. 
It's been so long.
Besides falling in love with Mia, I've fallen out of myself in every possible way.
I've completely fragmented an stagnated. 
If it wasn't for her, where would I even be right now?
A worse place, surely.
I love her so much more than I give her.
She's worth more than anything I could do for her, I'm just so godamn afraid of scaring her off with my...
Mess of an existence. 
Mess of a mind, a mental state, my jarring beliefs of straight abstract, my infinite insecurities that grow and expand off the old ones, constantly rearranging anxieties I never know I have in my head.
Waiting to manifest...it feels so, empty, without her.

I've been fixated on that more than I should.
While crazy ex stories that I know I shouldn't still be thinking about rerun in my head, always hers for some reason, I beat myself into abysmal states of staggeringly low self esteem.
She could tell me she dated a homeless man and I'm sure I'd be all "Wow, he must have been so humble. I'll never be as nice as that..."
It's ridiculous and all-consuming, and just when I get over something she brings up another detail that I latch onto, mentally.
I told her time and time again to tell me everything at once so this doesn't happen.
I'm not blaming her, but I just wish she completely got what I meant by "everything."
She's going to be hiding things now, too, because now she knows that things stick in my head for longer than I want.
But the wondering reminds me of what I already know, so I'm stuck ruminating on things that don't concern me for hours on end every day anyway.

And if I ever get off her as a subject, it doesn't help.
It doesn't end, it kills my motivations, productivity, esteem, self-concept, these infinite goddamn buzzing thoughts that seem to serve the sole purpose of making me dwell on bad things.
They don't push me to suicidal tendencies anymore, so I'll say I'm improving in some absurd way, but the absurd still trips me out and I feel empty in all areas but love and family, as of now. 
And even the latter, sometimes.
A lot of the time.

I feel like so little others on my wavelength, here. 
Not in a good way; people who think like me are generally handling these kind of thoughts drastically worse, and they distract themselves. I let it hit me in hopes of building resilience, without any form of drug.
Is love a drug, are video games the worst escapism?
Is writing a way to vent or focus, it's all blurring in my head and becoming one mass shade of me being simply whatever song I have stuck in my head.
I'm whatever I think of, say, or get stuck. 
Which keeps me replaying the same songs over and over again, to make sure I stay focused on the same subjects.

I finally cleaned my phone notes, and she bought me a goddamn Klimt journal!
I got to take her to an art gallery with my aunt and grannie for my birthday, then I spent the actual day with her and recently got to swim with her.
I'm taking back beaches and the woods, vehicles, I'm taking off the associations that hurt me and reclaiming them as things to calm me.
Perhaps cutting off the association is more important than the idea and subject itself?
That way only the bad stimuli affects me, making sure things cause no chain reactions?

Typically, study does that. 
Or does it reinforce association?
I don't remember, I'm not even sure I ever knew.
I need to focus more on studying these from an academic standpoint, not just trial-and-erroring my way though life.
If nothing else, the placebo bonus is useful.
It's why faith and rituals can help me, so long as I remember them.

I'm tired, but also up for a film.
I need to clear space, got 20 some things queued still.

The insides of my ears itching is driving me absolutely insane, and I've become obsessed with how expansive Dragon Age:Inquisition is. We're both playing it.
I got jealous she romanced a guy, a blonde military type. Reminded me of one of her exes, while she made an elf and was playing like her and I made a female dwarf to roleplay and made her a lesbian.
Even the simplest things are thought against me, it seems, but when they get that ridiculous, I guess I'll just have to understand they're no harm.
My head is...not under repair.
I thought I was fine. 
I'm not. 
Although I am.

Simply put, so long as I find a way to be who I am at this exact second, regardless of how much -whatever- I've had or thought that day, I'd be entirely fine with my life.
This shifting is turning me into a tempest.
  • Listening to: Sadistik
  • Reading: The Divine Comedy
  • Watching: E3
  • Playing: Dragon Age: Inquisition
  • Eating: Apples
  • Drinking: Water

Journal History

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DrAnnonymous
Trevor Blackwell
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
Pittsburgh
Budding Musician: "Composite" Rapper, Singer, Producer; plays Alto Saxophone, Bass Guitar, will dabble into Drums, Piano, and Guitar/Ukelele from time to time (Will vary styles A LOT)

Favourite genres of music: Abstract Hip-Hop, Trip-Hop, Hard Bop, Alternative Metal, Psychedelic Rock, Noise Rock, IDM, Anti-Folk, Experimental

Life fascinates me: I'm mainly influenced by Surrealism, Dada, Abstract poetry, Slam Poetry, Underground Hip-Hop, Noise music, the Jazz Age, Steampunk, Dieselpunk, Romanticism, Psychological Horror, Lovecraftian Horror, various Mythologies/Religions, Art Deco, and Impressionism. Although that goes on forever.

Philosophically: Laveyan Satanist, Anarcho-Syndicalist, Socialist, Reductionist, Antinatalist, somewhere between Absurdism and Existentialism, slight Stoicist leanings, Utilitarian, Humanist, and wow I'm making myself sound like a pretentious asshole. Sorry 'bout that, it's more of a list for me, really.
Like "wow, I'm so special," right?
I want to be an Ubermensch

Personal Quote: "Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing nothing all my life."

Interests Continue: Parkour, Freerunning, Production Throwing Knives, Roguelikes, Alcohol, Mixology, Cubomania, Dance, Theatre, Pantomime, Black and Blue Comedy, Slam Poetry, Freestyle, Economics, Psychology, Philosophy, Quantum Mechanics, Chemistry, Martial Arts (Savate, Muy Thai, Jut Keen Do, Capoeira, Boxing), Improv Comedy, Submarines, Vehicles, Green Energy, Quantum Physics, Wind, Deep-Sea exploration, Composition, History, Skateboarding, Pyrotechnics, Nursing, Anatomy, Engineering, Explosives, Foreign Languages (Spanish, mostly), Photography, Drawing, Fashion, Fitness, Card Games...
Interests

Activity


Watch me gaze into the clouds
Cus what's around don't hold no weight
I'm gravitating off the ground
Past all the feelings I can't shake
Observing moments that surround and choke the breathe into a snake
That Ouroboros cycle frowns but what's a serpent but a drake before the moment's wake?

We catch them sleeping, but whose to say?
When awake you might be even more passive than those who've lived out their final days
Man all these chains that dangle off my legs like that first Christmas ghost
Disgruntled host of all these memories that influence these melodies most

They sold their soul to be diamonds then end up
Cubic zirconia
Have you ever stopped to consider or figure out who is owing ya?
Owning your every move, I'm honing skills to be impressive
Like I can show off every hobby in that 30 second first-impression

Well fuck it, I'm Post-Impressionist
Pointillist is the point of digressions
Viewer's discretions - my brain resembles a C-section
During presidential election, in edifices that seem like they heave weapons
I guess I'll leave these fuckers guessing

---

Watch me gaze into abyss
Where it stares back to keep me entertained like center-stage
Is where I'm destined to be,
By then I'll bear a different name
An aging face shifting through phases like grains of sand in a desert
They've deserted me, for certain, well it's deserved
I'll rework
My workings to more accurately reflect the storm that's brewing overhead
Lightning strikes the wicked by chance alone, sometimes the holy instead
In place of treads these legs aren't made for projectile deflection
Or absorption of caltrops flung at my general direction

No pennies for my thoughts
My babe's a dime-piece
I'll save my nickels to save that homeless man a brand new horn
Track him down, find peace, remind me
To remind myself of all the things that seek reminding
Usually my business makes no change, it's just rewinding
Mending as I'm in self-destruct mode - a footstep and then back
Forgetting paths as I backtrack and stumble onto maps
Throwing them to the wind cus I don't want to go where any of you've been
Throwing caution and my sins in the air
I know where I've been

It hasn't been great, it'll be better soon
Regardless of the temperatures rising, I move between monsoons
Worship the moon; my love and I will find a way
Even if I hate myself sometimes
I'll never hate the days
I love to hear you say

(I love you
In my daze)
Daze
I can't stop making songs about Time, cycles and Love, huh?
There's a lot more social commentary than that lets on but still.

Fight The Feeling
Loading...
It's been storming out a lot.
Moods have matched the changes accordingly.

Why can't I always be like this?
Cleaned, ready to call Wallyworld tomorrow.
I went to a job fair thing, "got" the job, and I've been waiting on the background check and subsequent email or call for over a week now.
I'm losing faith steadily, and soon my phone will be shut off with no hope to pay for it. 
This is 20?
All those spirals about her exes and their various traits, all of it's been made aware that it's a reflection of my own insecurities.
No shit. 
This feeling of running in place is commonplace in my writing, journals and songs, and I have no idea how, truly, to break cycles.
I spend so much time spotting them that I forget to close the loop, so to speak.
I mean hell, my journals lately are completely scatterbrained anyway.
It's incredibly hard to focus my energies on anything without feeling drained and anxious. 

A lot of my friends drive and have jobs now. 
Some one or the other, very few have neither, and are doing quite as much nothing as me.
I have a great relationship and a decent respect for myself in terms of staying sober 99% of the time, but beyond that and actually sleeping for once (Perhaps too much), unless she's suddenly pregnant I'm actually not doing too poorly in any area, either.
I'm just waiting for some chance to work and keeping myself sane in the process, it's harder and more stressful having no schedule than I could ever imagine.
The thoughts, bad, of work are replaced with a corrupting element to my everyday life.
All ruminations and lamentations, it's similar to being strangled in an extremely comfortable lifestyle.
A stasis, a stagnation and rot. 

Today, I cried for the first time in a minute.
This frustration with having no control over my thoughts, plans, emotions, anxieties, fears, actions - and thereby - health, tendencies, reactions and habits is completely taking over my ability to function. 
While I've closely "documented" several reappearing traits, personas and mental states, the best I've been able to do is link certain influences to certain characters and carefully monitor what I'm doing at all times to keep me from straying into chaotic territory. 
Problem with that is that I automatically wonder what would ruin my mood and then it simply collapses, awareness itself breaks my own character. It's very meta, acting in hopes I'll buy into what I'm doing, thinking and feeling.
I feel disconnected to the very flesh hovering crudely to my limbs, distanced from my brain and its doings. 
The world appears to be a black comedy that's lost its lustre, and people have become more fake and plastic than ever.
Dolls. 

I can't stop seeing through every simple statement and going on a barrage of curious wanderings that often lead to answers that ruin the subject, everything from my love's day to a friend's successes. 
I can't find enjoyment in much socialization anymore, it's so draining having to constantly put on a show on the outside while my inner turmoils are bubbling and brewing faster than I can calculate and plan ahead for.
Simply hearing the wrong word or name can spiral me off onto a nightmare of panic.
I reason that learning to dissociate to deal with stress rather than tank it like I used to has left me with very few active options for coping, in a world of workaholics, addicts and the self-harming. 
This is pure existence, aware of every void and memento mori along the way.
This shit sucks.

Her family's getting even closer to me, I got to take her sister to my birthday party.
It was the first time I got most of friends together, and it was comfortable to disorienting all at once. 
Too many minds and voices going on, too many moving parts.
Long story short, my hostilities are too narrow and focused to meet the reality of my frustrations. 
It isn't them, nor is it me. It's humanity at its core that I'm disgusted by, plain and simple.
Every bit of self-loathing is a critique of my inability to change and anger at this society of worker bees.

Her graduation was hard-fought, and I couldn't be more proud.
Now's the time for us to "adult" and grind our asses off to leave.
Hence the pressure to get a job ASAP and work towards driving and the car.
I hope she stays with me long enough to get to this point.
I hope she stays with me in general. I'm pathetic, I know, not even being able to stand certain subjects anymore.

Entire swathes of conversation, being near me is treading extremely thin ice, and my sensitivities are to blame. 
The only alternatives rely on sociopathy and complete disregard for anything of meaning.
It's not a fair choice, though I often opt for feeling nothing or anger than sadness/anxiety.

I don't even feel like mentioning any trades with people, anymore. 
Nothing feels important. 
Leaving paranoia and worries out, nothing important has transpired.
In a nobility-obsessed span of 2 days I rekinkled most of my relationships with my friends, then deconstructed their purposes to me, like it was a game, and found little to gain from any beyond the comfort of a few carefully curated friendships. 
They're like trophies, it's idiotic.

On a more worrying note, I've noticed that my empathies and sympathies are dwindling.
Everything reflects to me hating aspects of myself.
Me. 
Everything seems like it's about me, and I find myself apologizing for everything while elevating everyone around me to Godly positions.
I'm not entirely sure why I do this, I suppose my self-esteem is drastically lower than I expected it to be considering my personality. 

I feel fake.
Since I never have a consistent...anything, really, the whole "shapeshifter' metaphors' really bugging me.
I can't tell which hobbies are forced for the sake of appearances or actually fun for me, anymore, I just know that NOT going through motions melts me alive.

I once more brought up my rapidly deteriorating mental state to my mother, who simply suggested I'm being hard on myself and am doing fine. She reassured me that I have all the time in the world to move out of my grandmother's, and that she's proud of me for going through school, graduating, all that and the third.
My father tries to talk and call, but all he does is congratulate me. 
He doesn't have the same sway and realism of my mother, but neither of them seem much more than being capable of apologizing. My mom wants to drive me to and from work, but even that comes across as her getting rid of her guilt.
Am I that much of a parasite, a burden, on this family?
I hide in the attic due to fears like this, and having her stay the night despite being directly told not to.
I've drank a while ago, here, and I'm sure my friends' various habits aren't welcome.
I feel an insatiable urge to escape this city before I do anything of merit.

2 old musical friends banded together and made a mixtape.
I've been trying to for 6 years, and yet in all my thousands of songs, I haven't released a thing.
My Game, the prequel to an actual story, goes unwritten and mid-progress. 
Books unread, movies unwatched, exercises and infinite songs not learned on my instruments. 
Hell, the keyboard doesn't even work anymore, and I think I forgot how to sing. 
Meditation barely works for me, like it used to, Yoga hasn't been so much as thought of in half a year.

Half a year. 
It's been so long.
Besides falling in love with Mia, I've fallen out of myself in every possible way.
I've completely fragmented an stagnated. 
If it wasn't for her, where would I even be right now?
A worse place, surely.
I love her so much more than I give her.
She's worth more than anything I could do for her, I'm just so godamn afraid of scaring her off with my...
Mess of an existence. 
Mess of a mind, a mental state, my jarring beliefs of straight abstract, my infinite insecurities that grow and expand off the old ones, constantly rearranging anxieties I never know I have in my head.
Waiting to manifest...it feels so, empty, without her.

I've been fixated on that more than I should.
While crazy ex stories that I know I shouldn't still be thinking about rerun in my head, always hers for some reason, I beat myself into abysmal states of staggeringly low self esteem.
She could tell me she dated a homeless man and I'm sure I'd be all "Wow, he must have been so humble. I'll never be as nice as that..."
It's ridiculous and all-consuming, and just when I get over something she brings up another detail that I latch onto, mentally.
I told her time and time again to tell me everything at once so this doesn't happen.
I'm not blaming her, but I just wish she completely got what I meant by "everything."
She's going to be hiding things now, too, because now she knows that things stick in my head for longer than I want.
But the wondering reminds me of what I already know, so I'm stuck ruminating on things that don't concern me for hours on end every day anyway.

And if I ever get off her as a subject, it doesn't help.
It doesn't end, it kills my motivations, productivity, esteem, self-concept, these infinite goddamn buzzing thoughts that seem to serve the sole purpose of making me dwell on bad things.
They don't push me to suicidal tendencies anymore, so I'll say I'm improving in some absurd way, but the absurd still trips me out and I feel empty in all areas but love and family, as of now. 
And even the latter, sometimes.
A lot of the time.

I feel like so little others on my wavelength, here. 
Not in a good way; people who think like me are generally handling these kind of thoughts drastically worse, and they distract themselves. I let it hit me in hopes of building resilience, without any form of drug.
Is love a drug, are video games the worst escapism?
Is writing a way to vent or focus, it's all blurring in my head and becoming one mass shade of me being simply whatever song I have stuck in my head.
I'm whatever I think of, say, or get stuck. 
Which keeps me replaying the same songs over and over again, to make sure I stay focused on the same subjects.

I finally cleaned my phone notes, and she bought me a goddamn Klimt journal!
I got to take her to an art gallery with my aunt and grannie for my birthday, then I spent the actual day with her and recently got to swim with her.
I'm taking back beaches and the woods, vehicles, I'm taking off the associations that hurt me and reclaiming them as things to calm me.
Perhaps cutting off the association is more important than the idea and subject itself?
That way only the bad stimuli affects me, making sure things cause no chain reactions?

Typically, study does that. 
Or does it reinforce association?
I don't remember, I'm not even sure I ever knew.
I need to focus more on studying these from an academic standpoint, not just trial-and-erroring my way though life.
If nothing else, the placebo bonus is useful.
It's why faith and rituals can help me, so long as I remember them.

I'm tired, but also up for a film.
I need to clear space, got 20 some things queued still.

The insides of my ears itching is driving me absolutely insane, and I've become obsessed with how expansive Dragon Age:Inquisition is. We're both playing it.
I got jealous she romanced a guy, a blonde military type. Reminded me of one of her exes, while she made an elf and was playing like her and I made a female dwarf to roleplay and made her a lesbian.
Even the simplest things are thought against me, it seems, but when they get that ridiculous, I guess I'll just have to understand they're no harm.
My head is...not under repair.
I thought I was fine. 
I'm not. 
Although I am.

Simply put, so long as I find a way to be who I am at this exact second, regardless of how much -whatever- I've had or thought that day, I'd be entirely fine with my life.
This shifting is turning me into a tempest.
  • Listening to: Sadistik
  • Reading: The Divine Comedy
  • Watching: E3
  • Playing: Dragon Age: Inquisition
  • Eating: Apples
  • Drinking: Water
I harbor the technique, bastard syllable-spinnin selective easy-to-come-by, not
Secreting pussy juices, never
The less is not a part of me so pardon me not bothering to stunt on your worthless bullshit
With finesse
This is not a test or practice
Just spit in the face of your wackness
Maggots leech off the death of their idols, daily
Nobody wants to confront or attack this
Just attach more shit to the blacklist
Well I'm tired of taking steps in retroactives
Ain't he fresh?
Nobody gives a fuck if the beat ain't madness
You don't even remember the producers' name

Those stars don't shine for shit
I don't got time for bars wasted
I'm pacing patiently for the masses to recognize their repetitive places
Artists drawing in circles, tv on different flavors of the same
Cultural stagnation,
Covering the same basic cubic zirconia formation

In other words, the ballpark wasn't changed, it's the advertisements' pockets
Invent a disease then sell the cure, snake oil marketers to cater to a changing demographic
Stop it
It's what they engineered,
What's in your pockets' got more influence than the bullshit that you hear
Spillin that imperfection paradox into ear

Rewiring homeostasis

So normal becomes faded
And fate becomes abstraction more than plan
And addiction is expected
Society builds you from the ground,
Palettes the status,
But only if you think that they're actually holding the weapon
So my piety's past the cityscapes, it phases through your phases and vapour, selective
Capors and Lakers, currencies, current events and currents, please
Meet your maker
On equal terms,

Without your crew

We'll see who humbles who

Who needs to bring a fist to a vaporization anyway?

No escaping the void through maybelline habit
Maybe it's all we have, but it ain't honest, ain't it?
Followed the stoicism dated way before your dramaturgy
Gods are drama clergy slash hot rods to carry you away from your self-worship
Quote but hate me like I'm Satan

All I'm saying is, hate the game creator, not the game or self
If I met him in real life I'd be asking for an apology, honestly

For everything, ever, you know?
Or go Kratos, poor health and with an even poorer sense of direction
I remain slowly creating a legacy at the epicenter of bridges
In mid-suspension
Amidst suspicions
Adrift in the halcyon winds of ascension
Not one to pretend rather than know
But sometimes it's better to leave it to die than mend it

If I died today I wouldn't want you crying
I'd want you writhing in the ground wondering
Why you never bothered effectively fostering a bond to the world that's here right then and there
Without me
Because without a shadow of a doubt, I'm stardust
Which more and yet no less
Dumbfounds me
But it doesn't stop that fact that you flameless fucks all look and sound like clowns to
And espeicially compared
To me
(Head, phantoms, inexplicable, lust
and
Manic, reruns, tendencies, trust
Misled, notebooks, blood, wine
God, stars, time) x2

[From my] head full of phantoms, inexplicable amounts of lust
Manic episodes to reruns of suicidal tendencies, I trust little to none
Misled by all the pages in my notebooks where I spilled my blood and wine
Searching for God by looking towards the stars and counting time] x2

It goes
1 For the intrusive thoughts
2 For paranoia
3 For scathing self-loathing
4 for self-destructive coping
5 for the love
and 6 for losing health
7 days a week, at times, I'd sooner kill myself

than deal with a


[Head full of phantoms, inexplicable amounts of lust
Manic episodes to reruns of suicidal tendencies, I trust little to none
Misled by all the pages in my notebooks where I spilled my blood and wine
Searching for God by looking towards the stars and counting time] x2

I've hating various people of which I have never had much of an opinion
Over the way they've flirted with my girl, the way they've treated women
In the past - it never stays too far, it drifts into my view
I feel it get intense and vividly envision what makes me want to be ripped in two
Peaces of my personality are being scattered
In the wind, my gray matter's not to be trusted until I resolve how nothing matters
I'm scared of becoming an alcoholic, scared to go insane and cheat
Be cheated on, be preyed on, hurt the weak, sleep in or never sleep

[Head full of phantoms, inexplicable amounts of lust
Manic episodes to reruns of suicidal tendencies, I trust little to none
Misled by all the pages in my notebooks where I spilled my blood and wine
Searching for God by looking towards the stars and counting time]

So fuck exes, fuck needles, fuck the canibus and nooses
Fuck the crosses, fuck the sexual impulses, fuck conversations, loose ends
Fuck hangups and hangovers, fuck all parties, powders, tabs
Fuck the after hours and memories that aren't mine that make me wish
I never had a heart to begin with, a brain to process the hurt
I feel like I was sent here solely to be crushed into the dirt
And left to decompose in slow-mo, I can't help but think
And when I think I see why everyone past 20 needs to drink, avoid the

[Head full of phantoms, inexplicable amounts of lust
Manic episodes to reruns of suicidal tendencies, I trust little to none
Misled by all the pages in my notebooks where I spilled my blood and wine
Searching for God by looking towards the stars and counting time] x2

(Head, phantoms, inexplicable, lust
and
Manic, reruns, tendencies, trust
Misled, notebooks, blood, wine
God, stars, time) x2

Comments


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:iconalendemon:
AlenDemon Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2017
TNX for the faves ! :)
Reply
:icondrannonymous:
DrAnnonymous Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Not a problem, m8
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:iconsangmeister:
sangmeister Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2017  Professional Traditional Artist
thanks for the fav!
Reply
:icondrannonymous:
DrAnnonymous Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Not a problem m8, and it's hilarious you remember your last tab. 
Mine was some time late last year, I think November?
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:iconlatinacrg:
latinacrg Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2017  Professional Artist
Thank you for the fav! ( ^u^ )/
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:icondrannonymous:
DrAnnonymous Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Not a problem!
Reply
:iconlindenart:
lindenART Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for your favs on Adoration + S.D.-FEELING :)
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:icondrannonymous:
DrAnnonymous Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
No problema
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:iconcloistering:
cloistering Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2017  Professional General Artist
:fusionrock::fusionrock: :heart: Thank you for adding UMOCA VICIOUS Gala my entry  to your collection Photography and Cosplay

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:icondrannonymous:
DrAnnonymous Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
It's marvelous, the pleasure is mine.
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